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The first president of the United States, according to legend, was a humble man who was pathologically unable to tell a lie and had wooden teeth. We generally accept that most of that is false, but even if we are about to say he insisted on jerking off during every battle, that doesn't change the fact that the guy was always a hero when it counted. 'He rubbed one out while everyone stood at attention and watched; it gave us the morale to survive Valley Forge.' But Everyone Forgets. George Washington was so humble that he refused a salary. Instead taking an expense account that he. We've some of his crazy expense account abuses - for example, in seven months, Washington spent $6,000 dollars, or 75 times the yearly salary of a private, on booze alone.
He billed the Continental Congress $3,800 for his retreat from New Jersey, and spent 120 times the monthly salary of a private on a goddamn saddle for a horse (or at least, we hope it was for a horse). Washington also used his expense account to lend money to deadbeat friends who never paid him back, and to buy senselessly extravagant things, like crate after crate of limes. At Valley Forge in Pennsylvania, one-sixth of the critically under-supplied American army died, much of them from starvation. The food situation was so desperate that Washington to 'forage' - better known as 'stealing food from random people so our army doesn't die of starvation'. And try to find beans that aren't covered in farmers' tears this time.
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Read Next And though Washington was concerned his army would die of a 'famine' at Valley Forge, on his birthday, he used his expense account to eat mutton and fowl, and even hired a band to play. In fact, to raise morale for the starving troops, most of whom had no shoes or coats, Washington spent money out of the budget to put on a play (either the taste of soldiers has changed radically over the centuries, or this play better have had a lot of nudity). That one angered the Continental Congress to the point where they from ever attending a play, on threat of court-martial.
All in all, Washington spent about $450,000 (in 1780 dollars) on himself during his eight-year stint as commander-in-chief of the army. It's difficult to tell how much that is with 235 years of inflation, but it is in the $4-4.5 million neighborhood. Yeah, if you see Washington's supposed wooden teeth in a museum, it's only because somebody pried the gold grille off it after he died. But Everyone Forgets.
In 1943, one of the worst famines in history was raging in the Bengal region in British India. This was in the middle of World War II, and Churchill made it much worse by to supply the British forces in Europe. 'But that was to defeat Hitler!' You're probably thinking. 'That's the kind of sacrifices that have to be made!' Well, not really - there was no shortage of food for the troops at the time, and Churchill refused offers of free food from the United States and Canada.
He was kind of doing it for no other reason than to be a dick. Keystone/Hulton Archive/Getty Images 'We're still upset we can't colonially oppress you anymore, so we're milking this India thing for all its worth.' When concerned administrators in India sent Churchill a telegram to let him know about the piles of bodies building up on India's streets, Churchill replied simply to ask why Gandhi wasn't dead yet. Oh, that adorable Churchill wit! Churchill later told the Secretary of State for India, 'I hate Indians. They are a beastly people with a beastly religion.'
He went on to say that Indians brought the famine upon themselves by 'breeding like rabbits.' Those statements could be perceived as racist, if read in a certain light. Comstock Images/Stockbyte/Getty Images Specifically, any light bright enough to read that text in. It wasn't Churchill's first experiment with racist assholery. Before he was the head of the government, he was Secretary of State for War when the British ruled Iraq. It was his job to sort out a little uprising problem, and his eager response was to. Like, straight away, without even having to be asked.
According to Churchill, 'I am strongly in favor of using poisoned gas against uncivilized tribes.' Another zinger from the quip master! Later, during his second run as Prime Minister, Churchill tried to think of what foreign race he hadn't committed an atrocity against yet, when rebels started making a fuss in Kenya.
Churchill did what he did best - he rounded up 150,000 'blackamoors' (what Churchill called Kenyans) and put them in what has been deemed 'Britain's Gulags' in order to clear up some fertile land for white settlers. One of the victims, Barack Obama's grandfather. Yep, Winston Churchill had the grandfather of the current American president put in a concentration camp and tortured for two years. But Everyone Forgets.
When Bell wasn't busy inventing the telephone, he was involved in a bizarre campaign to. You might assume that this was just good business sense, since deaf people were unlikely to become a huge market for telephones, but Bell's concerns were more weirdly specific. He feared that deaf people would take over America, like some kind of hearing-impaired Illuminati. Edward Gooch/Hulton Archive/Getty Images Which makes us wonder if he invented the, too. Bell was a, which was a popular position in the early 20th century, before the Nazis came along and most adherents decided 'Oh, maybe this ideology fucking sucks.'
On top of that, he was probably bad at understanding it, since deafness isn't usually congenital, and even having two deaf parents doesn't mean that you're going to be deaf yourself. Still, Bell when he saw that deaf people were setting up their own organizations, meeting other deaf people, and intermarrying, which he saw as the precursor to the rise of a 'deaf race.'
In his ongoing campaign against the deaf menace, Bell personally convinced state legislature after state legislature to ban sign language in school, shut down schools for the deaf, and bar deaf teachers from teaching deaf students. Bell's hope was that deaf people would all become great at lip-reading and thus fully integrate themselves into society, a wish that he shared with his - who, if you want to be even more depressed today, we must reveal was also a fan of eugenics. Topical Press Agency/Hulton Archive/Getty Images Which seems ill-conceived for someone who spent half their life one step away from forcible commitment. Grant Tried To Deport All The Black People To A Caribbean Island When Honest Abe issued the Emancipation Proclamation, someone probably asked, 'You and what army?'
That army was led by Ulysses S. In a mere 15 years, the now-legendary Grant spectacularly went from being an alcoholic to being the president of the United States.
Though he mostly sucked at being president, he is always remembered fondly for his work freeing the slaves and saving the union. Plus, you gotta love a president any of you could knock back a few drinks with. But Everyone Forgets.
President Grant was concerned that blacks and whites would never be able to live together peacefully, so he concocted an for $1.6 million and send all four million freed black people in the United States there. Because while he was sympathetic enough to free them from slavery, he wasn't quite willing to let them run around interacting with white people. Correction: a president some of you could knock back a few drinks with. He even got legendary anti-slavery Senator Charles Sumner, then the most powerful man in the Senate, to agree to help him deport all the black people. And the Dominican Republic, then known as Santo Domingo, was totally on board with this idea, though that may have something to do with Dominican President Buenaventura Baez personally being offered $100,000 in the annexation treaty. Given American history in general, you would think that when a country was asking to be annexed, the United States would treat it like a Christmas present. But Charles Sumner changed his mind at the last moment and decided to fight the treaty, claiming it was Grant's first step in a 'dance of blood,' whatever that means.
Partly because of Sumner's back flip, the treaty failed to pass the Senate. Without any more context, we're going to assume this is what Sumner was worried about.
And while it could be argued that Grant had good (if misguided) intentions there, the same can't be said for the time that he made an order from the states of Kentucky, Tennessee, and Mississippi. Apparently, Grant was annoyed by cotton smugglers running around, and he blamed the Jews, as though Jews are somehow known as the Hamburglers of the cotton industry. As Grant explained in General Order #11, 'The Jews as a class violate every regulation of trade established by the Treasury Department and also War Department orders.' His solution was to ban Jews from several states, under punishment of arrest.
Grant's order is the only example of a purely anti-Semitic action taken by the U.S. Government in its history, and yet somehow, Grant still won the Jewish vote both times that he ran for president. The guy must have been persuasive as hell. Du Bois was an early American civil rights leader, so one would expect the man to be a walking, talking fountain of tolerance. But Everyone Forgets. A bizarre, in 1936 that was funded by a Nazi on the condition that Du Bois not criticize their treatment of Jews, which should probably have been a red flag. Hulton Archive/Hulton Archive/Getty Images 'Troubling red flag' was likely a pretty consistent theme of that trip.
When Du Bois returned to the United States, that the German's hatred of the Jews 'is a reasoned prejudice, or an economic fear.' Jewish and anti-Nazi organizations were very unnerved when the great Du Bois came back from Germany and started saying anything about Nazism other than 'let's kill it with fire.' As a black man touring the goddamn Third Reich, Du Bois was pleased to be able to report that he experienced no racial discrimination. Which isn't that much of a surprise, considering that the visit was orchestrated as an effort to cover up said racial discrimination. Du Bois actually wound up sharing many of the Nazi views on Jews (saying they were an 'alien presence' and 'foreign element' in Germany), claimed Hitler's dictatorship was necessary and that national socialism made sense, and spoke highly of Hitler's right-hand man, Rudolph Hess. Keystone/Hulton Archive/Getty Images He stopped short of tongue-kissing Eva Braun, but not by much. Du Bois ultimately spent years backpedaling and defending himself in the black press, and whatever he was trying to say either was a mountain of pro-Nazi comments, or got buried under a mountain of pro-Nazi comments, which are the worst type of comments.
As for what he truly believed, he, and was especially frustrated that the Jews in Germany were not particularly vocal about the mistreatment of African-Americans. In retrospect, there were probably better ways to express that than doing the full Hitler publicity tour. If you've heard activists crying 'Free Tibet!' , there's a good reason for it. Before being subjugated under the tyrannical thumb of China, Tibet was a peaceful country led for centuries by Buddhist monks, most recently Nobel-Peace-Prize-winning human rights activist Tenzing Gyatso, the Dalai Lama. And if you've ever seen pictures of Tibet, you can't help but notice those monks lived in some spectacular houses. 'Shit, my Frisbee went over the side.'
But Everyone Forgets. That's the Potala Palace, where the Dalai Lamas lived with their many, many slaves. Before China took over, the political structure in Tibet, which you might remember from history class as a form of government so archaic that it was wiped out in the 1400s for being too outdated. There were really only two classes of people in Tibet: the monks, known as Lamas, who lived in luxury, and the serfs, known as 'literally everyone else,' who had no rights and basically lived only to serve the Lamas. And the Lamas weren't necessarily the kind of quiet, benevolent hippies that Hollywood wants you to believe. Piccaya/iStock/Getty Images You'd think that guys would tone it down a bit with the gold.
First of all, taxes in Tibet were about as high as you would expect from a country in which every individual member of government lived in their own massive castle. The Lamas put a tax on everything, and we mean everything - there was a tax for being born, and after that, just about everything you did after waking up in the morning, from keeping animals to attending festivals to leaving town, had a hidden price tag. Homeless and begging on the streets? Hope you're able to scrape up enough change at the end of the day to pay the begging tax. Those who couldn't afford to pay their taxes had the option of, well, starving to death, at which point all of your debts (including your newly acquired death tax debt) would pass on to your family.
Or you could take out a loan from a monastery with an interest rate that made loan sharks look like philanthropists. Fotosearch/Fotosearch/Getty Images 'Before we figure out what you owe, you should know there's a math tax.'
If serfs defaulted on their debts, broke the law, or attempted to flee, then they had one of to look forward to. Yes, 'Tibet's torture chambers' were things that existed.
Of course, Buddhism clearly disallowed the death penalty, but the Lamas found loopholes in the dogma that made things like eye-gouging, amputation, and tongue removal fair game. Tibetan monasteries reportedly had private prisons and carried handcuffs in children's sizes, in case you wanted to know if they had all the evil bases covered. This obviously raises the question of why exactly it is we tend to think of Tibet as some kind of paradise. The simple answer is that, after the Chinese invasion, only the aristocratic Lamas escaped, dancing across the Himalayas like they were in The Sound Of Music, except the singing was tax evasion and everyone was an asshole.
So the monks were the only people who were able to spread the word to the rest of the world about Tibet, and not surprisingly, they thought quite highly of it. Zachary Frey is going to be a freshman at Cornell University this August. You can (and should) read some of his other awesome articles. Be sure to follow us on and where you can catch all our video content, such as and other videos you won't see on the site! Also check out and.
Read Next Elsewhere on the internet, though, you can have armies of total strangers rake you over the coals for your opinions, actions, or for having the balls to exist. Of course, since we're all old internet pros these days, the very act of insulting others online should be treated like cooking a gourmet meal - you need the finest ingredients mixed with the finest techniques.
Otherwise, you're the suckiest suck that ever sucked and who needs that kind of suck? But sadly, some people never got that memo and they keep slinging the worst of the worst when it comes to tired, old, ineffective insults. Just look at this silly shit. 5Snowflake/Libtard/Cuck What They're Trying to Say: This is the new kid on the insult block and he is keen to be seen. You can't fart towards Sean Hannity without someone going all MAGA on you and labeling you a snowflake cuck libtard progressive commie suckquat.
The driving force behind these insults is that you're too goddamn precious for your own good. While real Americans are made of grit and determination and beef and Jesus, you're made of meringue and other French shit that no one asked for. We were elected to kick ass in Pittsburgh, not Paris, ya wuss! The snowflake is, of course, a precious and unique individual who not only craves but demands special treatment. They must be nurtured and cherished at all times for they are too fragile to last in the real world full of fire and shit kicking and real work.
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Twitter Likewise, the libtard is someone who has the brazen audacity to question conservativism from their position of ignorant hypocrisy to the point that we must assume their liberalism has 'tarded' their brains all akimbo. And a cuck is short for cuckold which of course means you're a dude whose wife sleeps with other men. But somehow that has something to do with liberalism now. Like maybe you're so liberal, you have an open marriage? Or your tiny snowflake genitals are so decrepit that your lady is forced to lie in the arms of someone who regularly quotes InfoWars? Honestly, I'm still trying to get this one. 4Nazi/Fascist What They're Trying to Say: This is essentially the liberal version of the snowflake insult, although paradoxically, you'll still see people on the right use it, as in 'No, you're the Nazi!'
Because schoolyard rules regarding rubber meeting glue are how all great political name-calling matches are settled. The Nazi is, of course, a Nazi. You know what a Nazi is.
But there's debate aplenty over who qualifies as a Nazi and that's why it's an insult because no one, save a very few curious individuals, want to be identified as Nazis in 2017, no matter what they believe. The fascist tag is very Nazi-esque but a more broad and judgmental insult. Nazi is what you are but fascist is who you are. At your core, you're a freedom-hating, intolerant bigot. And then, of course, you can just toss in 'zealot' or 'Trumpeter' or 'Putin's Cock Socket' or whatever else besmirches the essence of conservatism inside someone.
Why it Fails: Without question, if you dare invoke any of these insults, you'll be met with the one-two punch of predictable responses: 1) 'Can't think of a real argument to come back with?' And 2) 'No, you are!' Nothing convinces someone you're full of shit faster than lobbing out a negative criticism of their political leanings. Because, as we've come to learn in this zany modern era, the one thing no one is ever wrong about is their own politics.
God have mercy on those who believe other things because those fuckers are dick-brained Martians who eat paint chips. This is an easy position to hold because it applies to literally every spot on the political spectrum. Everyone is right about what they're right about, everyone else is wrong.
Without fail. And if they come at you with a critique of your politics - Nazi, fascist, communist, Libertarian, constitutional monarchist, well, fuck that. You just don't get it. You have no coherent thought so you're just tossing out buzz terms you heard on Twitter. Mediamodifier/Pixabay 'The social media is informing me that 'dick chumper' is a popular thing to call people. So that's what you are.'
Sexually based insults are some of the oldest in history - even Shakespeare wasn't above a joke about someone's loose ham socket. Despite the fact that 99.9 percent of humankind enjoys humping and we all got here as a result of it, historically we've acted like it's a shameful thing and we should all feel bad that we've done it. Because people are stupid, probably. Why it Fails: I'm afraid of weiners and/or the pudding hatch. My mind has immediately traveled to thoughts of what you do with your nether regions. I desperately want to be open with my sexual needs but instead I'll pretend like I'm normal and you're not.
The issue with attacking someone else's sexuality in any way is it's just so much bullshit in a basket. Calling me a virgin is on par with calling me a haberdasher.
You don't know if I am, and who gives a shit anyway? Sexual hangups of such a juvenile fashion started dying off decades ago. When someone points them out now, it says a hell of a lot more about that person and their own sexual dysfunction than it says about anyone else. 2Ugly/Fat What They're Trying to Say: It's a bold and heady wordsmith who eschews whatever the topic at hand may be and decides the truest way to zing you is to suggest your visage is perhaps like unto a cow's unkempt anus.
But of course, they wouldn't put it as poetically as that. I was trained at Insult Juilliard. They're just going to call you fat or ugly. Because they need you to know they got your number and that number wasn't very hard to count to.
Look at how you lack fitness and beauty. The idea here is to cut to the core of that which you cannot even hide about yourself. I need to converse with you to figure out if you're a Nazi but if you have a face like a baboon's ass then by gum, I can see that right away and I have all the ammo I need. Why it Fails: This is pretty much the bottom of the insult barrel. There's only one rung lower on the ladder and that's calling someone a doodoo head or maybe saying they smell, possibly supplying a doodle diagram with visible stink-lines as back up documentation.
You're in lower grade school range here. In terms of insults, this is like opening a game of Scrabble with the word 'cat.'
Yeah, you can do it but fuuuuuuck. Videocraft/Pixabay Sadly, in the world of insults, you rarely get a Triple Word Score. This insult is endeavoring so very hard to suggest that you (or very often I) have social issues. You live a Gollum-esque life because as you matured into adulthood, you were incapable of hacking it on your own so you migrated downward, to the clammy confines of your basement. Your mother's basement. Why not your father?
Because you still suckle from the proverbial teat, my incompetent compadre. You cower in shadows, feasting on your salty, cheesy snack foods, perhaps imbibing the Dew and hammering away at your precious Worlds of Warcraft or Everquests.
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WikimediaImages/Pixabay 'This GameCube is my wife. We were married on the beaches of that corner over there. She is with child.' Do you even wear a shirt down there, cellar dweller? Or do you let the golden kernels of Chester Cheetah's bounty collect in the furrow of your man cleavage (because you can't be a woman, this insult would be absurd to direct at a woman), where you will harvest it for much-needed sustenance later in the evening when your guild is up to their shriveled nuts in the latest terrifying raid encounter? Why it Fails: Why did the chicken cross the road?
To ask some guy why he lived in his mom's basement. Then the two of them hopped in a Ford Model T and drove to the nearest malt shop where they both ordered a Lime Rickey and patiently waited for someone to cure polio. This insult is so old, it's the only thing that can seduce a wife away from Hugh Hefner. This insult is so unoriginal, Carlos Mencia said he wrote it. This insult is so old, it has a pocket full of Werther's Originals. This insult is so unoriginal, Hollywood is currently adapting it into six different movies.